During the thrilling end of my freshman year at the University of Hartford, I began dating a girl that I met around the same time as spring fling. Spring fling was like a spring break shit show festival that U HA hosts at the end of each school year. It’s like a miniature Preakness. If you’re a college kid and you don’t know what Preakness is, find out; it’s important and you’re not allowed to graduate until you attend.

As luck would have it, we both fell victim to the infamous Mono as soon as we began seeing each-other. What followed was a month-long adventure of convalescence, spent side by side in bed. Summer was ahead of us and fortunately, we were headed in the same direction; Long Island.  

It was a typical summer Long Island night. Driving from bar to bar getting drunk out of my mind. I can’t recall exactly what we did because I’m writing this 18 years later! Eventually my girlfriend, Sara and I were dropped off at my parents’ house. Sara and I made it up to my bedroom and started hooking up. I remember having to stop because I was so nauseous. As I laid on my back, the spins began. I planted one foot on the floor, but it was of no avail. An idea came to mind - if you run, you will catch your balance and the nausea will subside! 

Off we went, stark naked, streaking down my block. The nausea vanished! Counter attack! We started hooking up on the street and eventually made it back to my house. Next thing, we’re back on my bed. 

Like most relationships, the subject of anal sex arises and I believe we had been considering it for quite some time. I could be wrong about it being a premeditated subject, but either way, I was given the green light. 

Unconscious sloppy drunk sex leads to mistake making. I don’t know if this is a guy thing, but I’m going to blame it on my biology. I was adamant about having anal sex, and she was unsure of it. I think I was too drunk to get it up and I needed more stimulation. “Can we do anal?” I asked. “Okay, but slowly!” she exclaimed. 

After some time, I worked myself in, but eventually slipped out. I re entered but this time there wasn’t as much resistance. “Is this your ass?” I senselessly asked. “Yes!” she said. I doubted it, but hearing a “yes” was enough to turn me on. Remember, she was also drunk, so who knows what her side of the story was?

A part of me knew it was her vagina, but another part of me wanted to believe it wasn’t. What if it’s really her asshole? I began cumming and pulled out half way because deep down inside I knew it was her vagina! 

The next morning I woke up on my back, wide eyed, staring through the ceiling. I can recall like it happened yesterday. A slow, solemn “Fuck me” thought resonated through my body. I knew what had happened.

Later that week, we headed to CVS to buy a pregnancy test; positive.

We sat at the beach and spoke about what we were going to do. I remember being shocked. I was fascinated that a part of me was creating inside of her. I remember resting my head on her belly and soaking it all in. We went back and forth, weighing out the pros and cons. Our age was the biggest factor, and we eventually concluded that we were going to get an abortion. 

I believe we took a lot of the pressure off because of social norms. Friends of mine had them and it wasn’t an uncommon thing to do. I remember being very sad during that process. Maybe the bulk of it lasted for a month, but I could be totally wrong. I felt polarized. My intuition was telling me to keep it and logic was telling me it wasn’t the right time. I was in no position to care for a child. I was 19, didn’t have a pot to piss in, we weren’t married and I was on the verge of becoming an alcoholic and drug addict.  

At the age of 28, I had another abortion with a girl I was seeing. When I was 28, I was more lost than I was at 19. I was a year sober from drugs and alcohol, but one night we went out and I relapsed at a bar. Kara and I ended up back at her place and the same exact thing happened the night I impregnated my ex girlfriend at 19. 

We had anal; I slipped out, asked if it was her asshole, she said yes; I came in her and pulled out halfway. The next morning I knew what I had done and internal exclaimed, “Fuck me, not again…” A week later we got tested and it came back positive. Long story short, we had an abortion. 

During the middle of the Coronavirus pandemic, I found myself sitting alone in my car, gazing out across the bay from the parking lot. In that introspective moment, I was confronted with the weight of my past, and I couldn’t help but feel grief. If circumstances were different, I would now have a 17-year-old and a 10-year-old by my side. My heart aches as I acknowledge the choices I made, and I offer no excuses or sugar-coating.

Perhaps some may argue that I am being too hard on myself, but I stand firmly in my truth. I bear the weight of responsibility for both creating and ending two precious human lives. It is a burden that I carry, and I am compelled to face it head-on.

Yet, in quantum physics, a deeper universal reality resides, and the concepts of life and death blur and dissipate. I have come to understand that all energy is in a perpetual state of recycling, transcending the confines of our human understanding. Our flaws, reasoning, and interpretations are integral aspects of our humanity, inherent to the human experience.

Six months ago, I spent 3 months living at a Vipassana meditation center. My experience living there was unordinary. I lived life in the intricate tapestry of quantum physics. This experience wasn’t constant, but it was very present to say the least, and in this experience, energy flows and cycles at an astonishing pace, far beyond our limited perception. In that realm, all is already forgiven. I think an aspect of enlightenment comes from aligning ourselves with this cosmic flow, surrendering to the majestic laws of the universe, Anicca. It is not a spiritual bypass; rather, it is a deep embrace of our human existence, utilizing our innate capacity to comprehend and live in harmony with the laws designed by a superior force, the very essence from which we are created.

In this journey, we learn the profound lessons of grief and forgiveness. We discover that these emotional energies are meant to flow, not stagnate. Our insatiable desire for control, regret, and remorse only serves to impede the natural flow of energy within and around us. We must embrace the transformative power of forgiveness, the boundless mercy that heals, and the unconditional love that transcends through.

Now, at this stage of life, my perspective has shifted, and I’m learning to perceive the world through a different lens. I have come to understand that the magnitude of challenges we face correlates with the magnitude of the lessons we are meant to learn. It is in recognizing the sacredness of life and acknowledging the indomitable force of the Divine that we gain a profound appreciation for the sanctity inherent in all forms of existence. I stand humbled before the vastness of God’s creation, knowing that the magnitude of life’s lessons far surpass my mortal comprehension.