Delusion

For the sake of not getting too technical and quoting a dictionary definition before we jump into the subject matter, the word delusional makes me think of the ability of the mind to make shit up.

Let us use the example of beliefs for instance. In a way, they run our lives whether we are aware of it or not. Strong-rooted beliefs usually are created through our experiences. What I believe is true may seem ridiculous to another and vice versa.

The Wright brothers thought they could build a vehicle that could fly in the sky. I’m assuming here but I’m going to guess they had more doubters than supporters. In the vastness of ideas, believing you could build and fly a plane before it was possible would have probably fallen under the category of delusional. Sure, I’m not an engineer but if I called my friends and family up and said “I’m going to build a plane” they would 100% tell me I was out of my mind.

Back to the Wright brothers…technically speaking, they were delusional but because they proved it was possible, they’re no longer delusional. It’s that fluid, simple and profound. I wonder how the doubters must have felt seeing a plane fly for the first time. Who would have thought that the same person, the same mind, is capable of being insane to rational?

The point I’m trying to get across here is that before there is substantial external evidence, all things conspired by the mind are simply delusions… and they run our lives and they run the world…This can go deep and perhaps I will write a journal on societal norms, connect and prove that our norms are essentially derived and based on delusion. While we’re at it, why not offer new delusions if they’re available, that may or may not resonate with us differently? We do have the right to explore so why not? ( I will hyperlink when this article publishes)

Back to the entry! So what happens when you begin to find out your delusions are in fact delusions? That everything you think about is a delusion including who and what you think you are. When we tell others our ideas and others shoot them down does it even matter? Their shutting us down is their delusion of what is possible or not. It’s fair game…If I’m delusional, so are you…

Now I’d like to dive into my personal story of how I came to experience my mind as delusional. I had many experiences in my life which I’d proved to be false and yet, could not, for the sake of my life let go of the beliefs even when my own experiences proved them to be wrong. The story I’m about to share is going to shed some light on how extreme and realistic a delusion can appear to be true.

Last year I attended a Vipassana meditation retreat. Vipassana means “insight into the nature of reality” and if practiced properly, the technique will reveal reality upon its meditator. Before entering the Vipassana field, meditators practice the meditation technique called Anapana, which is a pre-cursor technique that enables you to perform Vipassana properly. Anapana is a mindful breathing meditation to bring the mind under control. It’s not about controlling your breath, it’s about controlling your mind.

The breath is the object of your focus. When the mind wanders, you gently bring it back to the breath. Through patience and persistence, as our teacher Goenkaji says, you will be successful. After spending 30 hours on this you can bet you will gain control over your mind and that control is then used for Vipassana meditation. When practicing Vipassana, our controlled focus is on feeling sensations from the top of your head to the tips of your toes and you do this objectively. All of your energy and focus is on controlling your mind to do one thing- FEEL and to feel objective which means we are not interpreting, judging, liking or disliking, or labeling sensations.

Why don’t we interpret, judge or label, like, or dislike? Because that is a form of craving and or aversion. This creates suffering and the way out is through our understanding of Anicca, also known as impermanence, which is a law of the universe. It’s a law and if it is not understood due to ignorance, you will suffer the consequences.

The deepest part of the mind, which is always in touch with sensations, is what we are constantly reacting to. When you practice Vipassana, this becomes evident, and so does the solution. What is the solution? To not react. How is this done? Through practice, which develops our awareness, equanimity (balance of mind), and understanding of Anicca.

Delusion is imagination. We are filled with delusions and Vipassana eradicates them at the unconscious level by not reacting to sensation. If I learn to not react, I’m learning self-control amongst many other valuable things. I will be writing a lot of content on Vipassana in later entries but for now, I’m going to tell you an experience I had during a sit now that you have a little background information on the meditation technique.

Last year I was 37 years old (this is important). I was about halfway through the retreat, around day 5 or so and as I was meditating I had to stop. I thought if I continued to meditate, I was going to vanish into thin air. I’m not exaggerating and I was terrified. This is a silent retreat but meditators are welcome to speak with a teacher about the technique. When the hour-long session came to an end, I walked over and sat forth the teacher and childishly asked in a deeply concerning manner “I was meditating and I thought I was going to disappear. Is this possible?” I swear to God, I was convinced of it. The instructor calmly told me “You have nothing to worry about. It won’t happen. You’re safe.” “Are you sure it can’t happen?” I said. “Positive” he replied. I wouldn’t say I believed him but I did feel a bit better having spoken to him.

A couple of days later during our lunch period I began reflecting on this experience and began coming to terms with how silly I was to think I was going to disappear. Who do I think I am, Alladin? As I reflected more and more on the experience it began to disturb me at a visceral level. I’m a 37-year-old man who thinks it’s possible to disappear. I’m delusional and my imagination is out of control. Fortunately, I can laugh at myself sometimes and that’s what I did. But still, why did I believe I was going to disappear?

I began to look inward and I realized something about my past. What I’m about to say is a theory because how could I truly know I concluded that I must have been a child when I felt this particular sensation that I had a deep aversion to because if I felt it, I was going to disappear because I was alone while I was experiencing this particular sensation. Children think they can disappear, not 37-year-old people. So check, I must have been a child and because I was observing sensations, in particular the one that was going to make me disappear, would only make sense that this occurred in childhood.

Weird abstract memories fluttered around in my mind and they were of me, as a child, say around 4 years of age, alone, in my room, registering, perhaps, experiencing, understanding I was alone in the world…all alone…all by myself…and I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to feel separated from life. Theory…

The actual sensation I was feeling was just empty. There was nothing intense about it, it was just a kind of neutral feeling. If I had to, I could even describe the sensation as peaceful. Like air. I connected this peaceful sensation with being lonely and disappearing and have had a deep aversion to it my whole life. I can tell you without a doubt, that I’ve found comfort in chaotic intense feelings and the second I’m not in a hurricane of feeling I freak out and panic. This can turn into something deeper but no reason to dig into it right now.

This experience opened my eyes to the nature and power of the mind. What I had experienced was as real as it gets but wasn’t it purely imaginative?

What a realization. So what happens when the mind is free of delusion? Does something happen? Head over to my next article titled “Self” to learn more.

This is not a ploy to keep your attention. It’s just that this subject is a pre-cursor, sort of like Anapana is to Vipassana. I mention this because I don’t want your attention. I wish you to harness and focus your attention on living your life and I hope my journal encourages you to do so.

Alex